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l； an element of hope： 〃This is American two…one…three to the cockpit voice recorder。 Now we know what it's like。 It is worse than we'd ever imagined。 They didn't prepare us for this at the death simulator in Denver。 Our fear is pure； so totally stripped of distractions and pressures as to be a form of transcendental meditation。 In less than three minutes we will touch down； so to speak。 They will find our bodies in some smoking field； strewn about in the grisly attitudes of death。 I love you； Lance。〃 This time there was a brief pause before the mass wailing remenced。 Lance？ What kind of people were in control of this aircraft？ The crying took on a bitter and disillusioned tone。
As the man in the down vest told the story； passengers from the tunnel began gathering around us。 No one spoke； interrupted； tried to embellish the account。
Aboard the gliding craft； a stewardess crawled down the aisle； over bodies and debris； telling people in each row to remove their shoes； remove sharp objects from their pockets； assume a fetal position。 At the other end of the plane； someone was wrestling with a flotation device。 Certain elements in the crew had decided to pretend that it was not a crash but a crash landing that was seconds away。 After all； the difference between the two is only one word。 Didn't this suggest that the two forms of flight termination were more or less interchangeable？ How much could one word matter？ An encouraging question under the circumstances； if you didn't think about it too long； and there was no time to think right now。 The basic difference between a crash and a crash landing seemed to be that you could sensibly prepare for a crash landing； which is exactly what they were trying to do。 The news spread through the plane； the term was repeated in row after row。 〃Crash landing； crash landing。〃 They saw how easy it was； by adding one word； to maintain a grip on the future； to extend it in consciousness if not in actual fact。 They patted themselves for ballpoint pens； went fetal in their seats。
By the time the narrator reached this point in his account； many people were crowded around； not only people who'd just emerged from the tunnel but also those who'd been among the first to disembark。 They'd e back to listen。 They were not yet ready to disperse； to reinhabit their earthbound bodies； but wanted to linger with their terror； keep it separate and intact for just a while longer。 More people drifted toward us； milled about； close to the entire planeload。 They were content to let the capped and vested man speak on their behalf。 No one disputed his account or tried to add individual testimony。 It was as though they were being told of an event they hadn't personally been involved in。 They were interested in what he said； even curious； but also clearly detached。 They trusted him to tell them what they'd said and felt。
It was at this point in the descent； as the term 〃crash landing〃 spread through the plane； with a pronounced vocal stress on the second word； that passengers in first class came scrambling and clawing through the curtains； literally climbing their way into the tourist section in order to avoid being the first to strike the ground。 There were those in tourist who felt they ought to be made to go back。 This sentiment was expressed not so much in words and actions as in terrible and inarticulate sounds； mainly cattle noises； an urgent and force…fed lowing。 Suddenly the engines restarted。 Just like that。 Power； stability； control。 The passengers； prepared for impact； were slow to adjust to the new wave of information。 New sounds； a different flight path； a sense of being encased in solid tubing and not some polyurethane wrap。 The smoking sign went on； an international hand with a cigarette。 Stewardesses appeared with scented towelettes for cleaning blood and vomit。 People slowly came out of their fetal positions； sat back limply。 Four miles of prime…time terror。 No one knew what to say。 Being alive was a richness of sensation。 Dozens of things； hundreds of things。 The first officer walked down the aisle； smiling and chatting in an empty pleasant corporate way。 His face had the rosy and confident polish that is familiar in handlers of large passenger aircraft。 They looked at him and wondered why they'd been afraid。
I'd been pushed away from the narrator by people crowding in to listen； well over a hundred of them； dragging their shoulder bags and garment bags across the dusty floor。 Just as I realized I was almost out of hearing range； I saw Bee standing next to me； her small face smooth and white in a mass of kinky hair。 She jumped up into my embrace； smelling of jet exhaust。
〃Where's the media？〃 she said。
〃There is no media in Iron City。〃
'They went through all that for nothing？〃
We found Tweedy and headed out to the car。 There was a traffic jam on the outskirts of the city and we had to sit on a road outside an abandoned foundry。 A thousand broken windows； street lights broken； darkness settling in。 Bee sat in the middle of the rear seat in the lotus position。 She seemed remarkably well rested after a journey that had spanned time zones； land masses； vast oceanic distances； days and nights； on large and small planes； in summer and winter； from Surabaya to Iron City。 Now we sat waiting in the dark for a car to get towed or a drawbridge to close。 Bee didn't think this familiar irony of modern travel was worth a ment。 She just sat there listening to Tweedy explain to me why parents needn't worry about children taking such trips alone。 Planes and terminals are the safest of places for the very young and very old。 They are looked after； smiled upon； admired for their resourcefulness and pluck。 People ask friendly questions； offer them blankets and sweets。
〃Every child ought to have the opportunity to travel thousands of miles alone；〃 Tweedy said； 〃for the sake of her self…esteem and independence of mind； with clothes and toiletries of her own choosing。 The sooner we get them in the air； the better。 Like swimming or ice skating。 You have to start them young。 It's one of the things I'm proudest to have acplished with Bee。 I sent her to Boston on Eastern when she was nine。 I told Granny Browner not to meet her plane。 Getting out of airports is every bit as important as the actual flight。 Too many parents ignore this phase of a child's development。 Bee is thoroughly bicoastal now。 She flew her first jumbo at ten； changed planes at O'Hare； had a near miss in Los Angeles。 Two weeks later she took the Concorde to London。 Malcolm was waiting with a split of champagne。〃
Up ahead the taillights danced； the line began to move。
Barring mechanical failures； turbulent weather and terrorist acts； Tweedy said； an aircraft traveling at the speed of sound may be the last refuge of gracious living and civilized manners known to man。
19
Bee made us feel self…conscious at times； a punishment that visitors will unintentionally inflict on their placent hosts。 Her presence seemed to radiate a surgical light。 We began to see ourselves as a group that acted without design； avoided making decisions； took turns being stupid and emotionally unstable； left wet towels everywhere； mislaid our youngest member。 Whatever we did was suddenly a thing that seemed to need explaining。 My wife was especially disconcerted。 If Denise was a pint…sized missar； nagging us to higher conscience； then Bee was a silent witness； calling the very meaning of our lives into question。 I watched Babette stare into her cupped hands； aghast。
That chirping sound was just the radiator。
Bee was quietly disdainful of wisecracks； sarcasm and other family business。 A year older than Denise； she was taller； thinner； paler； both worldly and ethereal； as though in her heart she was not a travel writer at all； as her mother had said she wished to be； but simply a traveler； the purer form； someone who collects impressions； dense anatomies of feeling； but does not care to record them。
She was self…possessed and thoughtful； had brought us hand…carved gifts from the jungles。 She took taxis to school and dance class； spoke a little Chinese； had once wired money to a stranded friend。 I admired her in a distant and uneasy way； sensing a nameless threat； as if she were not my child at all but the sophisticated and self…reliant friend of one of my children。 Was Murray right？ Were we a fragile unit surrounded by hostile facts？ Would I promote ignorance； prejudice and superstition to protect my family from the world？
On Christmas Day； Bee sat by the fireplace in our seldom used living room； watching the turquoise flames。 She wore a long loose khaki outfit that looked casually expensive。 I sat in the armchair with three or four gift boxes in my lap； apparel and tissue paper hanging out。 My dog…eared copy of Mein Kampf rested on the floor at the side of the chair。 Some of the other people were in the kitchen preparing the meal； some had gone upstairs to investigate their gifts in private。 The TV said： 〃This creature has developed a plicated stomach in keeping with its leafy diet。〃
〃I don't like this business with Mother；〃 Bee said in a voice of cultivated distress。 〃She looks keyed…up all the time。 Like she's worried about something but she's not sure what it is。 It's Malcolm； of course。 He's got his jungle。 What does she have？ A huge airy kitchen with a stove that belongs in a three…star restaurant in the provinces。 She put all her energy into that kitchen； but for what？ It's not a kitchen at all。 It's her life； her middle age。 Baba could enjoy a kitchen like that。 It would be a kitchen to her。 To Mother it's like a weird symbol of getting through a crisis； except she hasn't gotten through it。〃
〃Your mother is not sure exactly who her husband is。〃
〃That's not the basic problem。 The basic problem is that she doesn't know who she is。 Malcolm is in the highlands living on tree bark and snake。 That's who Malcolm is。 He needs heat and humidity。 He's got like how many degrees in foreign affairs and economics but all he wants to do is squat under a tree and watch tribal people pack mud all over their bodies。 They're fun to watch。 What does Mother do for fun？〃
Bee was small…featured except for her eyes； which seemed to contain two forms of life； the subject matter and its hidden implications。 She talked about Babette's effortless skills in making things work； the house； the kids； the flow of the routine universe； sounding a little like me； but there was a secondary sea…life moving deep in the iris of her eye。 What did it mean； what was she really saying； why did she seem to expect me to respond in kind？ She wanted to municate in this secondary way； with optic fluids。 She would have her suspicions confirmed； find out about me。 But what suspicions did she harbor and what was there to find out？ I began to worry。 As the odor of burning toast filled the house； I tried to get her to talk about life in the seventh grade。
〃Is the kitchen on fire？〃
〃That's Steffie burning toast。 A thing she does from time to time。〃
〃I could have prepared some kind of kimchi dish。〃
〃Something from your Korean period。〃
〃It's cabbage pickled with red pepper and a bunch of other things。 Fiery hot。 But I don't know about ingredients。 They're hard enough to find in Washington。〃
〃We're probably having something besides toast；〃 I said。
The mild rebuke made her happy。 She liked me best when I was dry； derisive and cutting； a natural talent she believed I'd forfeited through long association with children。
The TV said： 〃Now we will put the little feelers on the butterfly。〃
In bed two nights later I heard voices； put on my robe and went down the hall to see what was going on。 Denise stood outside the bathroom door。
〃Steffie's taking one of her baths。〃
〃It's late；〃 I said。
〃She's just sitting in all that dirty water。〃
〃It's my dirt；〃 Steffie said from the other side of the door。
〃It's still dirt。〃
〃Well it's my dirt and I don't care。〃
〃It's dirt；〃 Denise said。
〃It's my dirt。〃
〃Dirt is dirt。〃
〃Not when it's mine。〃
Bee appeared at the end of the hall wearing a silver and red kimono。 Just stood there； distant and pale。 There was a moment in which our locus of pettiness and shame seemed palpably to expand； a cartoon of self…awareness。 Denise muttered something violent to Steffie through the crack in the door； then went quietly to her room。
In the morning I drove Bee to the airport。 Rides to airports make me quiet and glum。 We listened to news updates on the radio； curiously excited reports about firemen removing a burning sofa from a tenement in Watertown； delivered in a background clamor of ticker…tape machines。 I realized Bee was watching me carefully； importantly。 She sat with her back against the door； her knees up； held tightly together； arms enfolding them。 The look was one of solemn passion。 It was a look I did not necessarily trust； believing it had little to do with pity or love or sadness。 I recognized it in fact as something else pletely。 The adolescent female's tenderest form of condescension。
On the way back from the airport； I got off the expressway at the river road and parked the car at the edge of the woods。 I walked up a steep path。