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er。mymotherprayedbytheresignedoldman;andmysister;rolleduponsomeragsofwhichtheyhadmadeherabed;weptinsilence;andheldhernakedfeetinherlittlebluehands。
itwasapagefromthebookihadjustreadtransferredintomyownexistence。
myheartwasoppressedwithinexpressibleanguish。crouchedinacorner;withmyeyesfixeduponthisdismalpicture;ifeltthecoldslowlycreepinguponme;andisaidtomyselfwithbitterness:
〃letusdie;sincepovertyisadungeonguardedbysuspicion;apathy;andcontempt;andfromwhichitisvaintotrytoescape;letusdie;sincethereisnoplaceforusatthebanquetoftheliving!〃
anditriedtorisetojoinmymotheragain;andtowaitatherfeetforthehourofrelease。
thiseffortdispelledmydream;andiawokewithastart。
ilookedaroundme;mylampwasexpiring;thefireinmystoveextinguished;andmyhalf…openeddoorwaslettinginanicywind。
igotup;withashiver;toshutanddouble…lockit;thenimadeforthealcove;andwenttobedinhaste。
butthecoldkeptmeawakealongtime;andmythoughtscontinuedtheinterrupteddream。
thepicturesihadlatelyaccusedofexaggerationnowseemedbutatoofaithfulrepresentationofreality;andiwenttosleepwithoutbeingabletorecovermyoptimism鈥斺�攐rmywarmth。
thusdidacoldstoveandabadlycloseddooraltermypointofview。
allwentwellwhenmybloodcirculatedproperly;alllookedgloomywhenthecoldlaidholdonme。
thisremindsmeofthestoryoftheduchesswhowasobligedtopayavisittotheneighboringconventonawintersday。theconventwaspoor;therewasnowood;andthemonkshadnothingbuttheirdisciplineandtheardoroftheirprayerstokeepoutthecold。theduchess;whowasshiveringwithcold;returnedhome;greatlypityingthepoormonks。
whiletheservantsweretakingoffhercloakandaddingtwomorelogstoherfire;shecalledhersteward;whomsheorderedtosendsomewoodtotheconventimmediately。shethenhadhercouchmovedclosetothefireside;thewarmthofwhichsoonrevivedher。therecollectionofwhatshehadjustsufferedwasspeedilylostinherpresentfort;whenthestewardcameinagaintoaskhowmanyloadsofwoodhewastosend。
〃oh!youmaywait;〃saidthegreatladycarelessly;〃theweatherisverymuchmilder。〃
thus;mansjudgmentsareformedlessfromreasonthanfromsensation;andassensationestohimfromtheoutwardworld;sohefindshimselfmoreorlessunderitsinfluence;bylittleandlittleheimbibesaportionofhishabitsandfeelingsfromit。
itisnot;then;withoutcausethat;whenwewishtojudgeofastrangerbeforehand;welookforindicationsofhischaracterinthecircumstanceswhichsurroundhim。thethingsamongwhichwelivearenecessarilymadetotakeourimage;andweunconsciouslyleaveinthemathousandimpressionsofourminds。aswecanjudgebyanemptybedoftheheightandattitudeofhimwhohassleptinit;sotheabodeofeverymandiscoverstoacloseobservertheextentofhisintelligenceandthefeelingsofhisheart。bernardindest…pierrehasrelatedthestoryofayounggirlwhorefusedasuitorbecausehewouldneverhaveflowersordomesticanimalsinhishouse。perhapsthesentencewassevere;butnotwithoutreason。wemaypresumethatamaninsensibletobeautyandtohumbleaffectionmustbeillpreparedtofeeltheenjoymentsofahappymarriage。
14th;sevenoclockp。m鈥斺�攖hismorning;asiwasopeningmyjournaltowrite;ihadavisitfromouroldcashier。
hissightisnotsogoodasitwas;hishandbeginstoshake;andtheworkhewasabletodoformerlyisnowbeingsomewhatlaborioustohim。ihadundertakentowriteoutsomeofhispapers;andhecameforthoseihadfinished。
weconversedalongtimebythestove;whilehewasdrinkingacupofcoffeewhichimadehimtake。
m。rateauisasensibleman;whohasobservedmuchandspeakslittle;sothathehasalwayssomethingtosay。
whilelookingovertheaccountsihadpreparedforhim;hislookfelluponmyjournal;andiwasobligedtoacknowledgethatinthiswayiwroteadiaryofmyactionsandthoughtseveryeveningforprivateuse。
fromonethingtoanother;ibeganspeakingtohimofmydreamthedaybefore;andmyreflectionsabouttheinfluenceofoutwardobjectsuponourordinarysentiments。hesmiled。
〃ah!you;too;havemysuperstitions;〃hesaid;quietly。〃ihavealwaysbelieved;likeyou;thatyoumayknowthegamebythelair:itisonlynecessarytohavetactandexperience;butwithoutthemwemitourselvestomanyrashjudgments。formypart。ihavebeenguiltyofthismorethanonce;butsometimesihavealsodrawnarightconclusion。
irecollectespeciallyanadventurewhichgoesasfarbackasthefirstyearsofmyyouth鈥斺�敗�
hestopped。ilookedathimasifiwaitedforhisstory;andhetolditmeatonce。
atthistimehewasstillbutthirdclerktoanattorneyatorleans。hismasterhadsenthimtomontargisondifferentaffairs;andheintendedtoreturninthediligencethesameevening;afterhavingreceivedtheamountofabillataneighboringtown;buttheykepthimatthedebtorshouse;andwhenhewasabletosetoutthedayhadalreadyclosed。
fearingnottobeabletoreachmontargisingoodtime;hetookacrossroadtheypointedouttohim。unfortunatelythefogincreased;nostarwasvisibleintheheavens;andthedarknessbecamesogreatthathelosthisroad。hetriedtoretracehissteps;passedtwentyfootpaths;andatlastwaspletelyastray。
afterthevexationoflosinghisplaceinthediligence;camethefeelingofuneasinessastohissituation。hewasalone;onfoot;lostinaforest;withoutanymeansoffindinghisrightroadagain;andwithaconsiderablesumofmoneyabouthim;forwhichhewasresponsible。hisanxietywasincreasedbyhisinexperience。theideaofaforestwasconnectedinhismindwithsomanyadventuresofrobberyandmurder;thatheexpectedsomefatalencountereveryinstant。
tosaythetruth;hissituationwasnotencouraging。theplacewasnotconsideredsafe;andforsometimepasttherehadbeenrumorsofthesuddendisappearanceofseveralhorse…dealers;thoughtherewasnotraceofanycrimehavingbeenmitted。
ouryoungtraveller;withhiseyesstaringforward;andhisearslistening;followedafootpathwhichhesupposedmighttakehimtosomehouseorroad;butwoodsalwayssucceededtowoods。atlastheperceivedalightatadistance;andinaquarterofanhourhereachedthehighroad。
asinglehouse;thelightfromwhichhadattractedhim;appearedatalittledistance。hewasgoingtowardtheentrancegateofthecourtyard;whenthetrotofahorsemadehimturnhishead。amanonhorsebackhadjustappearedattheturningoftheroad;andinaninstantwasclosetohim。
thefirstwordsheaddressedtotheyoungmanshowedhimtobethefarmerhimself。herelatedhowhehadlosthimself;andlearnedfromthecountrymanthathewasontheroadtopithiviers。montargiswasthreeleaguesbehindhim。
thefoghadinsensiblychangedintoadrizzlingrain;whichwasbeginningtowettheyoungclerkthrough;heseemedafraidofthedistancehehadstilltogo;andthehorseman;whosawhishesitation;invitedhimtoeintothefarmhouse。
ithadsomethingofthelookofafortress。surroundedbyaprettyhighwall;itcouldnotbeseenexceptthroughthebarsofthegreatgate;whichwascarefullyclosed。thefarmer;whohadgotoffhishorse;didnotgonearit;but;turningtotheright;reachedanotherentranceclosedinthesameway;butofwhichhehadthekey。
hardlyhadhepassedthethresholdwhenaterriblebarkingresoundedfromeachendoftheyard。thefarmertoldhisguesttofearnothing;andshowedhimthedogschaineduptotheirkennels;bothwereofanextraordinarysize;andsosavagethatthesightoftheirmasterhimselfcouldnotquietthem。
aboy;attractedbytheirbarking;cameoutofthehouseandtookthefarmershorse。thelatterbeganquestioninghimaboutsomeordershehadgivenbeforeheleftthehouse;andwenttowardthestabletoseethattheyhadbeenexecuted。
thusleftalone;ourclerklookedabouthim。
alanternwhichtheboyhadplacedonthegroundcastadimlightoverthecourtyard。allaroundseemedemptyanddeserted。notatracewasvisibleofthedisorderoftenseeninacountryfarmyard;andwhichshowsatemporarycessationoftheworkwhichissoontoberesumedagain。
neitheracartforgottenwherethehorseshadbeenunharnessed;norsheavesofcornheapedupreadyforthreshing;noraplowoverturnedinacornerandhalfhiddenunderthefreshly…cutclover。theyardwasswept;thebarnsshutupandpadlocked。notasinglevinecreepingupthewalls;everywherestone;wood;andiron!
hetookupthelanternandwentuptothecornerofthehouse。behindwasasecondyard;whereheheardthebarkingofathirddog;andacoveredwallwasbuiltinthemiddleofit。
ourtravellerlookedinvainforthelittlefarmgarden;wherepumpkinsofdifferentsortscreepalongtheground;orwherethebeesfromthehiveshumunderthehedgesofhoneysuckleandelder。verdureandflowerswerenowheretobeseen。hedidnotevenperceivethesightofapoultry…yardorpigeon…house。thehabitationofhishostwaseverywherewantinginthatwhichmakesthegraceandthelifeofthecountry。
theyoungmanthoughtthathishostmustbeofaverycarelessoraverycalculatingdisposition;toconcedesolittletodomesticenjoymentsandthepleasuresoftheeye;andjudging;inspiteofhimself;bywhathesaw;hecouldnothelpfeelingadistrustofhischaracter。
inthemeantimethefarmerreturnedfromthestables;andmadehimenterthehouse。
theinsideofthefarmhousecorrespondedtoitsoutside。thewhitewashedwallshadnootherornamentthanarowofgunsofallsizes;themassivefurniturehardlyredeemeditsclumsyappearancebyitsgreatsolidity。
thecleanlinesswasdoubtful;andtheabsenceofallminorconveniencesprovedthatawomanscarewaswantinginthehouseholdconcerns。theyoungclerklearnedthatthefarmer;infact;livedherewithnoonebuthistwosons。
ofthis;indeed;thesignswereplainenough。atablewiththeclothlaid;thatnoonehadtakenthetroubletoclearaway;wasleftnearthewindow。theplatesanddisheswerescattereduponitwithoutanyorder;andloadedwithpotato…paringsandhalf…pickedbones。severalemptybottlesemittedanodorofbrandy;mixedwiththepungentsmelloftobacco…smoke。
afterseatinghisguest;thefarmerlightedhispipe;andhistwosonsresumedtheirworkbythefireside。nowandthenthesilencewasjustbrokenbyashortremark;answeredbyawordoranexclamation;andthenallbecameasmuteasbefore。
〃frommychildhood;〃saidtheoldcashier;〃ihadbeenverysensibletotheimpressionofoutwardobjects;laterinlife;reflectionhadtaughtmetostudythecausesoftheseimpressionsratherthantodrivethemaway。isetmyself;then;toexamineeverythingaroundmewithgreatattention。
〃belowtheguns;ihadremarkedonentering;somewolftrapsweresuspended;andtooneofthemstillhungthemangledremainsofawolfspaw;whichtheyhadnotyettakenofffromtheironteeth。theblackenedchimneypiecewasornamentedbyanowlandaravennailedonthewall;theirwingsextended;andtheirthroatswithahugenailthrougheach;afoxsskin;freshlyflayed;wasspreadbeforethewindow;andalarderhook;fixedintotheprincipalbeam;heldaheadlessgoose;whosebodyswayedaboutoverourheads。
〃myeyeswereoffendedbyallthesedetails;anditurnedthemagainuponmyhosts。thefather;whosatoppositetome;onlyinterruptedhissmokingtopourouthisdrink;oraddresssomereprimandtohissons。
theeldestofthesewasscrapingadeepbucket;andthebloodyscrapings;whichhethrewintothefireeveryinstant;filledtheroomwithadisagreeablefetidsmell;thesecondsonwassharpeningsomebutchersknives。ilearnedfromaworddroppedfromthefatherthattheywerepreparingtokillapigthenextday。
〃theseoccupationsandthewholeaspectofthingsinsidethehousetoldofsuchhabitualcoarsenessintheirwayoflivingasseemedtoexplain;whileitformedthefittingcounterpartof;theforbiddinggloominessoftheoutside。myastonishmentbydegreeschangedintodisgust;andmydisgustintouneasiness。icannotdetailthewholechainofideaswhichsucceededoneanotherinmyimagination;but;yieldingtoanimpulseicouldnotovere;igotup;declaringiwouldgoonmyroadagain。
〃thefarmermadesomeefforttokeepme;hespokeoftherain;ofthedarkness;andofthelengthoftheway。irepliedtoallbytheabsolutenecessitytherewasformybeingatmontargisthatverynight;andthankinghimforhisbriefhospitality;isetoffagaininahastewhichmightwellhaveconfirmedthetruthofmywordstohim。
〃however;thefreshnessofthenightandtheexerciseofwalkingdidnotfailtochangethedirectionsofmythoughts。whenawayfromtheobjectswhichhadawakenedsuchlivelydisgustinme;ifeltitgraduallydiminishing。ibegantosmileatthesusceptibilityofmyfeelings;andthen;inproportionastherainbecameheavierandcolder;thesestricturesonmyselfassumedatoneofill…temper。isilentlyaccusedmyselfoftheabsurdityofmistakingsensationforadmonitionsofmyreason。afterall;werenotthefarmerandhissonsfreetolivealone;tohunt;tokeepdogs;andtokillapig?wherewasthecrimeofit?
withlessnervoussusceptibility;ishouldhaveacceptedthesheltertheyofferedme;andishouldnowbesleepingsnuglyonatrussofstraw;insteadofwalkingwithdifficultythroughthecoldanddrizzlingrain。
ithuscontinuedtoreproachmyself;until;towardmorning;iarrivedatmontargis;jadedandbenumbedwithcold。
〃when;however;igotuprefreshed;towardthemiddleofthenextday;iinstinctivelyreturnedtomyfirstopinion。theappearanceofthefarmhousepresenteditselftomeunderthesamerepulsivecolorswhichtheeveningbeforehaddeterminedmetomakemyescapefromit。reasonitselfremainedsilentwhenreviewingallthosecoarsedetails;andwasforcedtorecognizeinthemtheindicationsofalownature;orelsethepresenceofsomebalefulinfluence。
〃iwentawaythenextdaywithoutbeingabletolearnanythingconcerningthefarmerorhissons;buttherecollectionofmyadventureremaineddeeplyfixedinmymemory。
〃tenyearsafterwardiwastravellinginthediligencethroughthedepartmentoftheloiret;iwasleaningfromthewindow;andlookingatsomecoppicegroundnowforthefirsttimebroughtundercultivation;andthemodeofclearingwhichoneofmytravellingpanionswasexplainingtome;whenmyeyesfelluponawalledinclosure;withaniron…barredgate。insideitiperceivedahousewithalltheblindsclosed;andwhichiimmediatelyrecollected;itwasthefarmhousewhereihadbeensheltered。ieagerlypointeditouttomypanion;andaskedwholivedinit。
〃nobodyjustnow;repliedhe。
〃butwasitnotkept;someyearsago;byafarmerandhistwosons?
〃theturreaus;saidmytravellingpanion;lookingatme;didyouknowthem?
〃isawthemonce。
〃heshookhishead。
〃yes;yes!resumedhe;formanyyearstheylivedtherelikewolvesintheirden;theymerelyknewhowtotillland;killgame;anddrink。thefathermanagedthehouse;butmenlivingalone;withoutwomentolovethem;withoutchildrentosoftenthem;andwithoutgodtomakethemthinkofheaven;always