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屋顶间的哲学家_梭维斯特-第14章

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er。mymotherprayedbytheresignedoldman;andmysister;rolleduponsomeragsofwhichtheyhadmadeherabed;weptinsilence;andheldhernakedfeetinherlittlebluehands。

    itwasapagefromthebookihadjustreadtransferredintomyownexistence。

    myheartwasoppressedwithinexpressibleanguish。crouchedinacorner;withmyeyesfixeduponthisdismalpicture;ifeltthecoldslowlycreepinguponme;andisaidtomyselfwithbitterness:

    〃letusdie;sincepovertyisadungeonguardedbysuspicion;apathy;andcontempt;andfromwhichitisvaintotrytoescape;letusdie;sincethereisnoplaceforusatthebanquetoftheliving!〃

    anditriedtorisetojoinmymotheragain;andtowaitatherfeetforthehourofrelease。

    thiseffortdispelledmydream;andiawokewithastart。

    ilookedaroundme;mylampwasexpiring;thefireinmystoveextinguished;andmyhalf…openeddoorwaslettinginanicywind。

    igotup;withashiver;toshutanddouble…lockit;thenimadeforthealcove;andwenttobedinhaste。

    butthecoldkeptmeawakealongtime;andmythoughtscontinuedtheinterrupteddream。

    thepicturesihadlatelyaccusedofexaggerationnowseemedbutatoofaithfulrepresentationofreality;andiwenttosleepwithoutbeingabletorecovermyoptimism鈥斺�攐rmywarmth。

    thusdidacoldstoveandabadlycloseddooraltermypointofview。

    allwentwellwhenmybloodcirculatedproperly;alllookedgloomywhenthecoldlaidholdonme。

    thisremindsmeofthestoryoftheduchesswhowasobligedtopayavisittotheneighboringconventonawintersday。theconventwaspoor;therewasnowood;andthemonkshadnothingbuttheirdisciplineandtheardoroftheirprayerstokeepoutthecold。theduchess;whowasshiveringwithcold;returnedhome;greatlypityingthepoormonks。

    whiletheservantsweretakingoffhercloakandaddingtwomorelogstoherfire;shecalledhersteward;whomsheorderedtosendsomewoodtotheconventimmediately。shethenhadhercouchmovedclosetothefireside;thewarmthofwhichsoonrevivedher。therecollectionofwhatshehadjustsufferedwasspeedilylostinherpresentfort;whenthestewardcameinagaintoaskhowmanyloadsofwoodhewastosend。

    〃oh!youmaywait;〃saidthegreatladycarelessly;〃theweatherisverymuchmilder。〃

    thus;mansjudgmentsareformedlessfromreasonthanfromsensation;andassensationestohimfromtheoutwardworld;sohefindshimselfmoreorlessunderitsinfluence;bylittleandlittleheimbibesaportionofhishabitsandfeelingsfromit。

    itisnot;then;withoutcausethat;whenwewishtojudgeofastrangerbeforehand;welookforindicationsofhischaracterinthecircumstanceswhichsurroundhim。thethingsamongwhichwelivearenecessarilymadetotakeourimage;andweunconsciouslyleaveinthemathousandimpressionsofourminds。aswecanjudgebyanemptybedoftheheightandattitudeofhimwhohassleptinit;sotheabodeofeverymandiscoverstoacloseobservertheextentofhisintelligenceandthefeelingsofhisheart。bernardindest…pierrehasrelatedthestoryofayounggirlwhorefusedasuitorbecausehewouldneverhaveflowersordomesticanimalsinhishouse。perhapsthesentencewassevere;butnotwithoutreason。wemaypresumethatamaninsensibletobeautyandtohumbleaffectionmustbeillpreparedtofeeltheenjoymentsofahappymarriage。

    14th;sevenoclockp。m鈥斺�攖hismorning;asiwasopeningmyjournaltowrite;ihadavisitfromouroldcashier。

    hissightisnotsogoodasitwas;hishandbeginstoshake;andtheworkhewasabletodoformerlyisnowbeingsomewhatlaborioustohim。ihadundertakentowriteoutsomeofhispapers;andhecameforthoseihadfinished。

    weconversedalongtimebythestove;whilehewasdrinkingacupofcoffeewhichimadehimtake。

    m。rateauisasensibleman;whohasobservedmuchandspeakslittle;sothathehasalwayssomethingtosay。

    whilelookingovertheaccountsihadpreparedforhim;hislookfelluponmyjournal;andiwasobligedtoacknowledgethatinthiswayiwroteadiaryofmyactionsandthoughtseveryeveningforprivateuse。

    fromonethingtoanother;ibeganspeakingtohimofmydreamthedaybefore;andmyreflectionsabouttheinfluenceofoutwardobjectsuponourordinarysentiments。hesmiled。

    〃ah!you;too;havemysuperstitions;〃hesaid;quietly。〃ihavealwaysbelieved;likeyou;thatyoumayknowthegamebythelair:itisonlynecessarytohavetactandexperience;butwithoutthemwemitourselvestomanyrashjudgments。formypart。ihavebeenguiltyofthismorethanonce;butsometimesihavealsodrawnarightconclusion。

    irecollectespeciallyanadventurewhichgoesasfarbackasthefirstyearsofmyyouth鈥斺�敗�

    hestopped。ilookedathimasifiwaitedforhisstory;andhetolditmeatonce。

    atthistimehewasstillbutthirdclerktoanattorneyatorleans。hismasterhadsenthimtomontargisondifferentaffairs;andheintendedtoreturninthediligencethesameevening;afterhavingreceivedtheamountofabillataneighboringtown;buttheykepthimatthedebtorshouse;andwhenhewasabletosetoutthedayhadalreadyclosed。

    fearingnottobeabletoreachmontargisingoodtime;hetookacrossroadtheypointedouttohim。unfortunatelythefogincreased;nostarwasvisibleintheheavens;andthedarknessbecamesogreatthathelosthisroad。hetriedtoretracehissteps;passedtwentyfootpaths;andatlastwaspletelyastray。

    afterthevexationoflosinghisplaceinthediligence;camethefeelingofuneasinessastohissituation。hewasalone;onfoot;lostinaforest;withoutanymeansoffindinghisrightroadagain;andwithaconsiderablesumofmoneyabouthim;forwhichhewasresponsible。hisanxietywasincreasedbyhisinexperience。theideaofaforestwasconnectedinhismindwithsomanyadventuresofrobberyandmurder;thatheexpectedsomefatalencountereveryinstant。

    tosaythetruth;hissituationwasnotencouraging。theplacewasnotconsideredsafe;andforsometimepasttherehadbeenrumorsofthesuddendisappearanceofseveralhorse…dealers;thoughtherewasnotraceofanycrimehavingbeenmitted。

    ouryoungtraveller;withhiseyesstaringforward;andhisearslistening;followedafootpathwhichhesupposedmighttakehimtosomehouseorroad;butwoodsalwayssucceededtowoods。atlastheperceivedalightatadistance;andinaquarterofanhourhereachedthehighroad。

    asinglehouse;thelightfromwhichhadattractedhim;appearedatalittledistance。hewasgoingtowardtheentrancegateofthecourtyard;whenthetrotofahorsemadehimturnhishead。amanonhorsebackhadjustappearedattheturningoftheroad;andinaninstantwasclosetohim。

    thefirstwordsheaddressedtotheyoungmanshowedhimtobethefarmerhimself。herelatedhowhehadlosthimself;andlearnedfromthecountrymanthathewasontheroadtopithiviers。montargiswasthreeleaguesbehindhim。

    thefoghadinsensiblychangedintoadrizzlingrain;whichwasbeginningtowettheyoungclerkthrough;heseemedafraidofthedistancehehadstilltogo;andthehorseman;whosawhishesitation;invitedhimtoeintothefarmhouse。

    ithadsomethingofthelookofafortress。surroundedbyaprettyhighwall;itcouldnotbeseenexceptthroughthebarsofthegreatgate;whichwascarefullyclosed。thefarmer;whohadgotoffhishorse;didnotgonearit;but;turningtotheright;reachedanotherentranceclosedinthesameway;butofwhichhehadthekey。

    hardlyhadhepassedthethresholdwhenaterriblebarkingresoundedfromeachendoftheyard。thefarmertoldhisguesttofearnothing;andshowedhimthedogschaineduptotheirkennels;bothwereofanextraordinarysize;andsosavagethatthesightoftheirmasterhimselfcouldnotquietthem。

    aboy;attractedbytheirbarking;cameoutofthehouseandtookthefarmershorse。thelatterbeganquestioninghimaboutsomeordershehadgivenbeforeheleftthehouse;andwenttowardthestabletoseethattheyhadbeenexecuted。

    thusleftalone;ourclerklookedabouthim。

    alanternwhichtheboyhadplacedonthegroundcastadimlightoverthecourtyard。allaroundseemedemptyanddeserted。notatracewasvisibleofthedisorderoftenseeninacountryfarmyard;andwhichshowsatemporarycessationoftheworkwhichissoontoberesumedagain。

    neitheracartforgottenwherethehorseshadbeenunharnessed;norsheavesofcornheapedupreadyforthreshing;noraplowoverturnedinacornerandhalfhiddenunderthefreshly…cutclover。theyardwasswept;thebarnsshutupandpadlocked。notasinglevinecreepingupthewalls;everywherestone;wood;andiron!

    hetookupthelanternandwentuptothecornerofthehouse。behindwasasecondyard;whereheheardthebarkingofathirddog;andacoveredwallwasbuiltinthemiddleofit。

    ourtravellerlookedinvainforthelittlefarmgarden;wherepumpkinsofdifferentsortscreepalongtheground;orwherethebeesfromthehiveshumunderthehedgesofhoneysuckleandelder。verdureandflowerswerenowheretobeseen。hedidnotevenperceivethesightofapoultry…yardorpigeon…house。thehabitationofhishostwaseverywherewantinginthatwhichmakesthegraceandthelifeofthecountry。

    theyoungmanthoughtthathishostmustbeofaverycarelessoraverycalculatingdisposition;toconcedesolittletodomesticenjoymentsandthepleasuresoftheeye;andjudging;inspiteofhimself;bywhathesaw;hecouldnothelpfeelingadistrustofhischaracter。

    inthemeantimethefarmerreturnedfromthestables;andmadehimenterthehouse。

    theinsideofthefarmhousecorrespondedtoitsoutside。thewhitewashedwallshadnootherornamentthanarowofgunsofallsizes;themassivefurniturehardlyredeemeditsclumsyappearancebyitsgreatsolidity。

    thecleanlinesswasdoubtful;andtheabsenceofallminorconveniencesprovedthatawomanscarewaswantinginthehouseholdconcerns。theyoungclerklearnedthatthefarmer;infact;livedherewithnoonebuthistwosons。

    ofthis;indeed;thesignswereplainenough。atablewiththeclothlaid;thatnoonehadtakenthetroubletoclearaway;wasleftnearthewindow。theplatesanddisheswerescattereduponitwithoutanyorder;andloadedwithpotato…paringsandhalf…pickedbones。severalemptybottlesemittedanodorofbrandy;mixedwiththepungentsmelloftobacco…smoke。

    afterseatinghisguest;thefarmerlightedhispipe;andhistwosonsresumedtheirworkbythefireside。nowandthenthesilencewasjustbrokenbyashortremark;answeredbyawordoranexclamation;andthenallbecameasmuteasbefore。

    〃frommychildhood;〃saidtheoldcashier;〃ihadbeenverysensibletotheimpressionofoutwardobjects;laterinlife;reflectionhadtaughtmetostudythecausesoftheseimpressionsratherthantodrivethemaway。isetmyself;then;toexamineeverythingaroundmewithgreatattention。

    〃belowtheguns;ihadremarkedonentering;somewolftrapsweresuspended;andtooneofthemstillhungthemangledremainsofawolfspaw;whichtheyhadnotyettakenofffromtheironteeth。theblackenedchimneypiecewasornamentedbyanowlandaravennailedonthewall;theirwingsextended;andtheirthroatswithahugenailthrougheach;afoxsskin;freshlyflayed;wasspreadbeforethewindow;andalarderhook;fixedintotheprincipalbeam;heldaheadlessgoose;whosebodyswayedaboutoverourheads。

    〃myeyeswereoffendedbyallthesedetails;anditurnedthemagainuponmyhosts。thefather;whosatoppositetome;onlyinterruptedhissmokingtopourouthisdrink;oraddresssomereprimandtohissons。

    theeldestofthesewasscrapingadeepbucket;andthebloodyscrapings;whichhethrewintothefireeveryinstant;filledtheroomwithadisagreeablefetidsmell;thesecondsonwassharpeningsomebutchersknives。ilearnedfromaworddroppedfromthefatherthattheywerepreparingtokillapigthenextday。

    〃theseoccupationsandthewholeaspectofthingsinsidethehousetoldofsuchhabitualcoarsenessintheirwayoflivingasseemedtoexplain;whileitformedthefittingcounterpartof;theforbiddinggloominessoftheoutside。myastonishmentbydegreeschangedintodisgust;andmydisgustintouneasiness。icannotdetailthewholechainofideaswhichsucceededoneanotherinmyimagination;but;yieldingtoanimpulseicouldnotovere;igotup;declaringiwouldgoonmyroadagain。

    〃thefarmermadesomeefforttokeepme;hespokeoftherain;ofthedarkness;andofthelengthoftheway。irepliedtoallbytheabsolutenecessitytherewasformybeingatmontargisthatverynight;andthankinghimforhisbriefhospitality;isetoffagaininahastewhichmightwellhaveconfirmedthetruthofmywordstohim。

    〃however;thefreshnessofthenightandtheexerciseofwalkingdidnotfailtochangethedirectionsofmythoughts。whenawayfromtheobjectswhichhadawakenedsuchlivelydisgustinme;ifeltitgraduallydiminishing。ibegantosmileatthesusceptibilityofmyfeelings;andthen;inproportionastherainbecameheavierandcolder;thesestricturesonmyselfassumedatoneofill…temper。isilentlyaccusedmyselfoftheabsurdityofmistakingsensationforadmonitionsofmyreason。afterall;werenotthefarmerandhissonsfreetolivealone;tohunt;tokeepdogs;andtokillapig?wherewasthecrimeofit?

    withlessnervoussusceptibility;ishouldhaveacceptedthesheltertheyofferedme;andishouldnowbesleepingsnuglyonatrussofstraw;insteadofwalkingwithdifficultythroughthecoldanddrizzlingrain。

    ithuscontinuedtoreproachmyself;until;towardmorning;iarrivedatmontargis;jadedandbenumbedwithcold。

    〃when;however;igotuprefreshed;towardthemiddleofthenextday;iinstinctivelyreturnedtomyfirstopinion。theappearanceofthefarmhousepresenteditselftomeunderthesamerepulsivecolorswhichtheeveningbeforehaddeterminedmetomakemyescapefromit。reasonitselfremainedsilentwhenreviewingallthosecoarsedetails;andwasforcedtorecognizeinthemtheindicationsofalownature;orelsethepresenceofsomebalefulinfluence。

    〃iwentawaythenextdaywithoutbeingabletolearnanythingconcerningthefarmerorhissons;buttherecollectionofmyadventureremaineddeeplyfixedinmymemory。

    〃tenyearsafterwardiwastravellinginthediligencethroughthedepartmentoftheloiret;iwasleaningfromthewindow;andlookingatsomecoppicegroundnowforthefirsttimebroughtundercultivation;andthemodeofclearingwhichoneofmytravellingpanionswasexplainingtome;whenmyeyesfelluponawalledinclosure;withaniron…barredgate。insideitiperceivedahousewithalltheblindsclosed;andwhichiimmediatelyrecollected;itwasthefarmhousewhereihadbeensheltered。ieagerlypointeditouttomypanion;andaskedwholivedinit。

    〃nobodyjustnow;repliedhe。

    〃butwasitnotkept;someyearsago;byafarmerandhistwosons?

    〃theturreaus;saidmytravellingpanion;lookingatme;didyouknowthem?

    〃isawthemonce。

    〃heshookhishead。

    〃yes;yes!resumedhe;formanyyearstheylivedtherelikewolvesintheirden;theymerelyknewhowtotillland;killgame;anddrink。thefathermanagedthehouse;butmenlivingalone;withoutwomentolovethem;withoutchildrentosoftenthem;andwithoutgodtomakethemthinkofheaven;always
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