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that what I should do was take the carton of eggs
back to the Bakers and tell them we didn't eat eggs； or that we were allergic to them； or
something。
Then my mom butts in with； “What are you teaching him here； Rick？ None of that is true。 If
he returns them； shouldn't he tell them the truth？”
“What； that you're afraid of salmonella poisoning？”
“Me？ Aren't you a little concerned； too？”
“Patsy； that's not the point。 The point is； I will not have a coward for a son！”
“But teaching him to lie？”
“Fine。 Then just throw them away。 But from now on I expect you to look that little tiger square
in the eye； you hear me？”
“Yes； sir。”
“Okay； then。”
I was off the hook for all of about eight days。 Then there she was again； at seven in the
morning； bouncing up and down on our porch with eggs in
her hands。 “Hi； Bryce！ Here you go。”
I tried to look her square in the eye and tell her； No thanks； but she was so darned happy；
and I wasn't really awake enough to tackle the tiger。
She wound up pushing another carton into my hands； and I wound up ditching them in the
kitchen trash before my father sat down to breakfast。
This went on for two years。 Two years！ And it got to a point where it was just part of my
morning routine。 I'd be on the lookout for Juli so I could
whip the door open before she had the chance to knock or ring the bell； and then I'd bury the
eggs in the trash before my dad showed up。
Then came the day I blew it。 Juli'd actually been making herself pretty scarce because it was
around the time they'd taken the sycamore tree
down； but suddenly one morning she was back on our doorstep； delivering eggs。 I took them；
as usual； and I went to chuck them； as usual。 But the
kitchen trash was so full that there wasn't any room for the carton； so I put it on top； picked
up the trash； and beat it out the front door to empty
everything into the garbage can outside。
Well； guess who's just standing there like a statue on my porch？
The Egg Chick。
I about spilled the trash all over the porch。 “What are you still doing here？” I asked her。
“I…I don't know。 I was just … thinking。”
“About what？” I was desperate。 I needed a distraction。 Some way around her with this
garbage before she noticed what was sitting right there on
top。She looked away like she was embarrassed。 Juli Baker embarrassed？ I didn't think it was
possible。
……… Page 28………
Whatever。 The golden opportunity to whip a soggy magazine over the egg carton had
presented itself； and buddy； I took it。 Then I tried to make a
fast break for the garbage can in the side yard； only she body…blocked me。 Seriously。 She
stepped right in my way and put her arms out like she's
guarding the goal。
She chased me and blocked me again。 “What happened？” she wants to know。 “Did they
break？”
Perfect。 Why hadn't I thought of that？ “Yeah； Juli；” I told her。 “And I'm real sorry about that。”
But what I'm thinking is； Please； God； oh please； God；
let me make it to the garbage can。
God must've been sleeping in。 Juli tackled the trash and pulled out her precious little carton
of eggs； and she could tell right off that they weren't
broken。 They weren't even cracked。
She stood frozen with the eggs in her hands while I dumped the rest of the trash。 “Why did
you throw them out？” she asked； but her voice didn't
sound like Juli Baker's voice。 It was quiet。 And shaky。
So I told her we were afraid of salmonella poisoning because her yard was a mess and that
we were just trying to spare her feelings。 I told it to
her like we were right and she was wrong； but I felt like a jerk。 A plete cluck…faced jerk。
Then she tells me that a couple of neighbors have been buying eggs off her。 Buying them。
And while I'm ing to grips with this incredible bit of
news； she whips out her mental calculator。 “Do you realize I've lost over a hundred dollars
giving these eggs to you？” Then she races across the
street in a flood of tears。
As much as I tried to tell myself that I hadn't asked her for the eggs—I hadn't said we wanted
them or needed them or liked them—the fact was； I'd
never seen Juli cry before。 Not when she'd broken her arm in P。E。； not when she'd been
teased at school or ditched by her brothers。 Not even when
they'd cut down the sycamore tree。 I'm pretty sure she cried then； but I didn't actually see it。
To me； Juli Baker had always been too tough to cry。
I went down to my room to pack my stuff for school； feeling like the biggest jerk to ever hit the
pla。 I'd been sneaking around throwing out eggs
for over two years； avoiding her； avoiding my father — what did that make me？ Why hadn't I
just stood up and said； No thanks； don't want 'em； don't
need 'em； don't like 'em…。 Give them to the snake； why don't you？ Something！
Was I really afraid of hurting her feelings？
Or was I afraid of her？
The Eggs
After they cut down the sycamore tree； it seemed like everything else fell apart； too。 Champ
died。 And then I found out about the eggs。 It was
Champ's time to go； and even though I still miss him； I think it's been easier for me to deal
with his death than it has been for me to deal with the
truth about the eggs。 I still cannot believe it about the eggs。
The eggs came before the chickens in our case； but the dog came before them both。 One
night when I was about six years old； Dad came home
from work with a full…grown dog tied down in the back of his truck。 Someone had hit it in the
middle of an intersection； and Dad had stopped to see
how badly it was hurt。 Then he noticed that the poor thing was skinny as a rail and didn't
have any tags。 “Starving and pletely disoriented；” he
told my mother。 “Can you imagine someone abandoning their dog like that？”
The whole family had converged on the front porch； and I could hardly contain myself。 A dog！
A wonderful； happy； panty dog！ I realize now that
Champ was never much of a looker； but when you're six； any dog—no matter how mangy—
is a glorious； huggable creature。
……… Page 29………
He looked pretty good to my brothers； too； but from the way my mother's face was pinched； I
could tell she was thinking； Abandon this dog？ Oh； I
can see it。 I can definitely see it。 What she said； though； was simply； “There is no room for
that animal in this house。”
“Trina；” my dad said； “it's not a matter of ownership。 It's a matter of passion。”
“You're not springing it on me as a …a pet； then？”
“That is definitely not my intention。”
“Well； then what do you intend to do？”
“Give him a decent meal； a bath … then maybe we'll place an ad and find him a home。”
She eyed him from across the threshold。 “There'll be no ‘maybe’ about it。”
My brothers said； “We don't get to keep him？”
“That's right。”
“But Mo…om；” they moaned。
“It's not open to discussion；” she said。 “He gets a bath； he gets a meal； he gets an ad in the
paper。”
My father put one arm around Matt's shoulder and the other around Mike's。 “Someday； boys；
we'll get a puppy。”
My mother was already heading back inside； but over her shoulder came； “Not until you learn
to keep your room neat； boys！”
By the end of the week； the dog was named Champ。 By the end of the next week； he'd made
it from the backyard into the kitchen area。 And not
too long after that； he was all moved in。 It seemed nobody wanted a full…grown dog with a
happy bark。 Nobody but four…fifths of the Baker family；
anyway。
Then my mother started noticing an odor。 A mysterious odor of indeterminate origin。 We all
admitted we smelled it； too； but where my mother
was convinced it was Eau de Champ； we disagreed。 She had us bathing him so often that it
couldn't possibly be him。 We each sniffed him out
pretty good and he smelled perfectly rosy。
My personal suspicion was that Matt and Mike were the ones not bathing enough； but I didn't
want to get close enough to sniff them。 And since
our camp was divided on just who the culprit or culprits were； the odor was dubbed the
Mystery Smell。 Whole dinnertime discussions revolved
around the Mystery Smell； which my brothers found amusing and my mother did not。
Then one day my mother cracked the case。 And she might have cracked Champ's skull as
well if my dad hadn't e to the rescue and shooed
him outside。
Mom was fuming。 “I told you it was him。 The Mystery Smell es from the Mystery Pisser！
Did you see that？ Did you see that？ He just squirted
on the end table！”
My father raced with a roll of paper towels to where Champ had been； and said； “Where？
Where is it？”
All of three drops were dripping down the table leg。 “There；” my mother said； pointing a
shaky finger at the wetness。 “There！”
Dad wiped it up； then checked the carpet and said； “It was barely a drop。”
“Exactly！” my mother said with her hands on her hips。 “Which is why I've never been able to
find anything。 That dog stays outside from now on。 Do
you hear me？ He is no longer allowed in this house！”
“How about the garage？” I asked。 “Can he sleep in there？”
“And have him tag everything that's out there？ No！”
Mike and Matt were grinning at each other。 “Mystery Pisser！ That could be the name for our
band！”
“Yeah！ Cool！”
“Band？” my mother asked。 “Wait a minute； what band？” But they were already flying down to
their room； laughing about the possibilities for a
……… Page 30………
logo。
My father and I spent the rest of the day sniffing out and destroying criminal evidence。 My
dad used a spray bottle of ammonia； I followed up with
Lysol。 We did try to recruit my brothers； but they wound up getting into a spray…bottle fight；
which got them locked in their room； which； of course；
was fine with them。
So Champ became an outside dog； and he might have been our only pet ever if it hadn't
been for my fifth…grade science fair。
Everyone around me had great project ideas； but I couldn't seem to e up with one。 Then
our teacher； Mrs。 Brubeck； took me aside and told
me about a friend of hers who had chickens； and how she could get me a fertilized egg for
my project。
“But I don't know anything about hatching an egg；” I told her。
She smiled and put her arm around my shoulders。 “You don't have to be an immediate
expert at everything； Juli。 The idea here is to learn
something new。”
“But what if it dies？”
“Then it dies。 Document your work scientifically and you'll still get an A； if that's what you're
worried about。”
An A？ Being responsible for the death of a baby chick—that's what I was worried about。
Suddenly there was real appeal in building a volcano or
making my own neoprene or demonstrating the various scientific applications of gear ratios。
But the ball was in motion； and Mrs。 Brubeck would have no more discussion about it。 She
pulled The Beginner's Guide to Raising Chickens
from her bookshelf and said； “Read the section on artificial incubation and set yourself up
tonight。 I'll get you an egg tomorrow。”
“But …”
“Don't worry so much； Juli；” she said。 “We do this every year； and it's always one of the best
projects at the fair。”
I said； “But…；” but she was gone。 Off to put an end to some other student's battle with
indecision。
That night I was more worried than ever。 I'd read the chapter on incubation at least four times
and was still confused about where to start。 I didn't
happen to have an old aquarium lying around！ We didn't happen to have an incubation
thermometer！ Would a deep…fry model work？
I was supposed to control humidity； too； or horrible things would happen to the chick。 Too dry
and the chick couldn't peck out； too wet and it would
die of mushy chick disease。 Mushy chick disease？！
My mother； being the sensible person that she is； told me to tell Mrs。 Brubeck that I simply
wouldn't be hatching a chick。 “Have you considered
growing beans？” she asked me。
My father； however； understood that you can't refuse to do your teacher's assignment； and
he promised to help。 “An incubator's not difficult to
build。 We'll make one after dinner。”
How my father knows exactly where things are in our garage is one of the wonders of the
universe。 How he knew about incubators； however； was
revealed to me while he was drilling a one…inch hole in an old scrap of Plexiglas。 “I raised a
duck from an egg when I was in high school。” He
grinned at me。 “Science fair project。”
“A duck？”
“Yes； but the principle is the same for all poultry。 Keep the temperature constant and the
humidity right； turn the egg several times a day； and in a
few weeks you'll have yourself