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stens fo r a few beats； assesses what's bothering her； and then he proudly puts on his mr 。 fixit hat； and offers her a solution to make her feel better。 no matter how many times she tells him that he's not listening； he doesn't get it； and he keep s doing the same thing。 she wants empathy； he thinks she wants solutions。
the most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women a re always trying to change them。 when a woman loves a man； she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things。 she forms the home improvement committee； and he becomes her primary focus。 no m atter how much he resists her help； she persists； waiting for an opportunity to help him or to tell him what to do。 she thinks she's nurturing him； while he fee ls he's being controlled。 martians value power； competency； efficiency； and achi evement。 their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results 。 achieving goals is very important to a martian； because it's the way for him t o prove his competence and thus feel good about himself。 and for him to feel goo d about himself； he must achieve these goals alone； by himself。 to offer a man u nsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own。
men are very touchy about this； because the issue of competence is so very i mportant to them。 however； if he truly does need help； then it's a sign of wisdo m to get it。 in this case； he'll find someone he respects and then talk about hi s problem。 talking about a problem on mars is an invitation for advice。 another martian feels honored by the opportunity。 automatically； he puts on his mr。 fix it hat； listens for a few beats； and then offers some jewels of advice。 this m artian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when a wom an talks about her feelings or about her problems。
venusians have different values。 their sense of self is defined through thei r feelings and the quality of their relationships and their communication。 they experience fulfillment through sharing and relating。 communication is of primary importance。 to share their personal feelings is much more important than achiev ing goals or sucomess。 talking and relating to one another is a source of tremend ous fulfillment。 instead of being goaloriented； women are relationshiporient ed。 they are more concerned with expressing their goodness； their love； their ca ring。 venusians are very intuitive。 they pride themselves on being considerate o f the needs and feelings of others。 a sign of great love is to offer help and as sistance to another venusian without even being asked。 without this insight into the nature of men； it's very easy for a woman to unknowingly and unintentionall y hurt and offend the man she loves most。
love is magical； and it can last if we remember our differences。
爱是艰难的
勒内。马利亚。里尔克
勒内。马利亚。里尔克（1875—1926），奥地利诗人。大学攻读哲学、艺术与文学史。 里尔克的诗歌尽管充满孤独痛苦情绪和悲观虚无思想，但艺术造诣很高。本篇节选自他的书 信集《给一位青年诗人的十封信》。
爱，很好。但爱是艰难的，因为我们去爱别人：这也许是神给予我们的最艰难、最重大 的任务，是最后的考验与测试，是最崇高的工作，别的工作都不过是为此而做的准备。所以 那些一切都还刚刚开始的青年们还不能去爱，他们必须要学习。必须用他们整个的生命、用 一切的力量，用集聚了他们寂寞、痛苦和荣誉感的心去学习爱。在学习时期这个长久而专注 的过程中，爱就会永远地铭刻心扉——深深的寂寞中孤独地等待，是为了所爱的人。爱的要 义并不是什么倾心、献身、或二人的结合（那会是怎样的一种结合呢？是一种糊涂的、不负 责任的、轻率的结合）。它对于个人是一种崇高的动力，是去成熟并实现自身的圆满，去完 成一个世界，是为了另一个人而完成一个自己的世界，这是一个艰巨的、不可妥协的目标， 用坚定的信念，向远方召唤。青年们应把爱当作他们的课业、他们的工作的意义，并在其中 （“昼夜不停地探索、锤炼”）去使用那些给与他们的爱。至于倾心、献身，以及结合，还 不是他们所能做的（他们还需长时间地克制、积累），那是最后的终点，也许是我们现在还 几乎不能达到的境界。
love is difficult
rainer maria rilke
it is also good to love： because love is difficult。 for one human being to l ove another human being： that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been e ntrusted to us； the ultimate task； the final test and proof； the work for which all other work is merely preparation。 that is why young people； who are beginner s in everything； are not yet capable of love： it is something they must learn。 w ith their whole being； with all their forces； gathered around their solitary； an xious； upwardbeating heart； they must learn to love。 but learningtime is alw ays a long； secluded time ahead and far on into life； is solitude； a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves。 loving does not at firs t mean merging； surrendering； and uniting with another person （for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified； unfinished； and still incoherent； it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen； to become something in himsel f； to become world； to become world in himself for the sake of another person； i t is a great； demanding claim on him； something that chooses him and calls him t o vast distances。 only in this sense； as the task of working on themselves （“to hearken and to hammer day and night〃）； may young people use the love that is gi ven to them。 merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for the m （who must still； for a long； long time； save and gather themselves）； it is the ultimate； is perhaps that for which human lives are as yet barely large enough。
乔治。戈登。拜伦勋爵致
特蕾莎。古奇奥尼伯爵夫人
乔治。戈登。拜伦
乔治。戈登。拜伦（1788—1824），英国浪漫主义诗人，出身贵族，10岁时继承了叔祖 男爵爵位和祖传领地。曾入剑桥大学学习，深受启蒙思想影响。他的诗作表现了对上流社会 丑恶现象的蔑视。
我最亲爱的特蕾莎：
我在你的花园里把这本书看完了。我的心上人，你当时不在这里，不然我也不可能把它 看完。这是你最喜欢的书，作者是我的一个朋友。你不懂这些英文，别人也不懂，这就是为 什么我没有用意大利文写信。但你会认出热切地爱着你的人的笔迹，也会猜出在看你的书时 ，我只能想到爱。我现在和今后的生命都包含在这个字里。这个字在世界各国的语言中都是 美丽的，而在你的语言中最美丽——我的爱——我感到我就在这儿，恐怕今后也会在这里— —至于为什么，那要由你来决定；你的双手掌握了我的命运；而你，芳龄17的女子，出修道 院只有两年。我倒真想如果你留在那儿反而好了——或至少相逢在你没有嫁人之时。
但一切都已为时过晚。我爱你，你也爱我——至少你是这样说的，你lord george gord on byron
to countess teresa guicomioli
george gordon byron
bologna
aug。 25th； 1819
my dearest teresa；
i have read this book in your garden： my love； you were absent； or else i co uld not have read it。 it is a favorite book of yours； and the writer was a frien d of mine。 you will not understand these english words； and others will not unde rstand them； which is the reason i have not scrawled them in italian。 but you wi ll recognize the handwriting of him who passionately loved you； and you will div ine that； over a book which was yours； he could only think of love。 in that word ； beautiful in all languages； but most so in yours — amor mio — is comprised m y existence here and hereafter。 i feel i exist here； and i fear that i shall exi st here after — to what purpose you will decide； my destiny rests with you； and you are a woman； seventeen years of age； and two out of a convent。 i wish that you had stayed there； with all my heart — or at least that i had never met you in your married state。
but all this is too late。 i love you； and you love me — at least you say so ； and act as if you did so； which last is a great consolation in all events。 but i more than love you； and cannot ease to love you。
think of me sometimes when the alps and the ocean divide us — but they neve r will； unless you wish it。
byron
贝婷。布伦塔诺致歌德
贝婷。布伦塔诺
贝婷。布伦塔诺（1785—1859），德国女作家，本名伊丽莎白。布伦塔诺，常与贝多芬 和歌德通信。1835年，其《歌德与一个孩子的通信》一书发表。她是当时德国革命文艺运动 “年轻的德国”的热情支持者。
亲爱的歌德：
你了解我的心；你明白我心里只有向往、思念、预感和渴望；你生活在精神的世界里， 它们给你神圣的智慧。你一定要滋养给我的心智。我以前不曾懂得向你索求，你都已经给了 我。我的才智很浅薄，但我的爱情却很深厚；你一定要使它们得到平衡。爱情往前发展，理 智却不曾跟随，这样的爱不能平静。你明白我有多爱你；你友好、温柔、痴情。请告诉我， 我的心在何时失去了平衡。我会明白你无声的暗示。
你落在我身上的注视、你印在我唇上的热吻，都向我说明了这一切。对于我这样的人来 说，这令人高兴的眼神和热吻使我懂得了更多。我相隔很远，我所给你的注视和热吻，对我 来说已逐渐陌生。我一定要回忆在你怀抱里的温柔时光。于是我开始哭泣，但不知什么时候 眼泪已流干。是的，在深深的静谧之中，他对我一往情深（我就是这样想的）。难道我就不 应该怀着永不动摇的深情，和他遥通心声吗？啊，想一想我的心要对你说些什么吧！我要对 你没完没了地耳鬓厮磨。我希望此生惟一的幸福就是你对我的情意连绵不绝。啊，亲爱的朋 友，我只需要你的暗示，说你的心里只有我。
爱你至永远的
贝婷
1808年
bettina brentano to goethe
bettina brentano
1808
dear goethe；
you know my heart； you know that all there is desire； thought； boding and lo nging； you live among spirits； and they give you divine wisdom。 you must nourish me； you give all that in advance which i do not understand to ask for。 my mind has a small embrace； my love a large one； you must bring them to a balance。 love cannot be quiet till the mind matches its growth； you are matched to my love； y ou are friendly； kind； and indulgent； let me know when my heart is off the balan ce。 i understand your silent signs。
a look from your eyes into mine； a kiss from you upon my lips； instructs me in all； what might seem delightful to learn； to one who； like me； had experience from those。 i am far from you； mine are become strange to me。 i must ever retur n in thought to that hour when you hold me in the soft fold of your arm。 then i begin to weep； but the tears dry again unawares。 yes； he reaches with his love （ thus i think） over to me in this concealed stillness； and should not i； with my eternal undisturbed longing； reach to him in the distance。 ah； conceive what my heart has to say to you； it overflows with soft sighs all whisper to you。 be my only happiness on earth your friendly will to me。 o； dear friend； give me but a sign that you are conscious of me。
yours forever；
bettina
被爱的人
佚名
如今，“被爱”的人有各种各样的形象。最容易刺激恋情发生的人往往是异国他乡的人 。一个人年老力衰的老爷爷，很可能依然深爱着二十年前的某个午后在街上碰到的一个陌生 女孩。一个传教士可能爱上一个堕落的女子。被爱的那个人或许会心怀不忠、油头粉面并且 沾染恶习。对这些缺点，爱他的人也会和其他人一样明白，但这些丝毫也不会影响爱情之火 的燃烧。一个最普通的人，也会成为美如沼泽的毒百合的炽烈爱慕的对象。一个好人，很可 能激起凶暴又品质恶劣的人的爱恋；一个胡言『乱』语的疯子，很可能让某人的灵魂产生一种温 柔而质朴的田园情调。所以，任何爱情的价值或品质，都是由施爱者本人所决定的。
正是基于这个原因，大多数人宁愿选择“爱人”而不是选择“被爱”。几乎每个人都想 成为一个施爱者。大概来说，有一点奇怪的是，大多数人难以承受被爱的状态。被爱者有很 明确的理由对施爱者既怕又恨，因为施爱者总是想方设法地要把被爱者看得清清楚楚。施爱 者总渴望与被爱者尽可能有一些关系，尽管这样做只会给他自己带来痛苦。
the beloved
anonymous
now； the beloved can also be of any description。 the mostoutlandish people c an be the stimulus for love。 a man may be a doddering great grandfather and stil l love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of cheehaw one afternoon two de cades past。 the preacher may love a fallen woman。 the beloved may be treacherous ； greasyheaded and given to evil habits。 yes； and the lover may see this as cl early as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one w hit。 a most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild； extravaga nt； and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp。 a good man may be the stimu lus for a love both violent and debased； or a jabbering madman may bring about i n the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll。 therefore； the value and qualit y of any love is determined solely by the lover himself。
it is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved。 almos t everyone wants to be the lover。 and the curt truth is that； in a deep secret w ay； the state of being beloved is intolerable to many。 the beloved fears and hat es the lover； and with the best of reasons。 for the lover is forever trying to s trip bare his beloved。 the lover craves any possible relation with the beloved； even if this experience can cause him only pain。
第1卷 第四章
拿破仑。波拿巴致玛丽。约瑟芬
拿破仑。波拿巴
拿破仑。波拿巴（1769—1821），法国政治家，军事家；法兰西第一帝国和百日王朝的 皇帝，曾率军征服了几乎整个欧洲。
亲爱的玛丽：
我收到你的信了，我爱慕的人儿。你的信使我充满欢乐……自离开你以来，我一直愁眉 不展、郁郁寡欢。
我惟一的幸福就是伴随着你。我不停地回想着你的吻、你的泪以及那甜蜜的嫉妒。我『迷』 人的约瑟芬的魅力如同一团炽热的火那样在我的心里燃烧着。我何时才能在你身边度过每一 分、每一刻，除了爱你以外，什�