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“No； Miranda； of course not。 I’m sorry about this—” My voice was
shaking a little； but I couldn’t get it under control。 “—it’s just
that we can’t seem to find Mr。 Lagerfeld。 We’ve already tried at
least eight—”
“Can’t seem to find him？”she mimicked in a high…pitched voice。 “What
do you mean； you ‘can’t seem to find’ him？”
What part of that simple five…word sentence did she not prehend；
I wondered。 Can’t。 Seem。 To。 Find。 Him。 Seemed rather clear and
precise to me： We can’t fucking find him。 That is why you’re not
talking to him。 Ifyou can find him； thenyou can talk to him。 A
million barbed responses raced around my head； but I could only
sputter like a first…grader who’d been singled out by the teacher
for talking in class。
“Um； well； Miranda； we’ve called all of the numbers we have listed
for him； and he doesn’t appear to be at any of them；” I managed。
“Well of course he’s not！” She was almost screaming now； that
precious； well…guarded cool was precariously close to collapsing。
She took a deep； exaggerated breath and said calmly； “Ahn…dre…ah。
Are you aware that Mr。 Lagerfeld is in Paris this week？” I felt like
we were doing English As a Second Language lessons。
“Of course； Miranda。 Emily has been trying all the numbers in—”
“And are you aware that Mr。 Lagerfeld said he’d be available on his
mobile phone while he was in Paris？” Every muscle in her throat
strained to keep her voice even and calm。
“Well； no； we don’t have a cell number listed in the directory； so
we didn’t know that Mr。 Lagerfeld even had a Cell Phone。 But Emily
is on the phone with his assistant right now； and I’m sure she’ll
have that number in just a minute。” Emily gave me the thumbs…up
right before she scribbled something and exclaimed； “Merci；oh yes；
thank you； I mean；merci ” over and over again。
“Miranda； I have the number right here。 Would you like me to connect
you now？” I could feel my chest puff out with confidence and pride。
A job well done！ A superior performance under the most
pressure…filled conditions。 Never mind that my really cute peasant
blouse that had been plimented by two—not one； but two—fashion
assistants was now sporting sweat stains under the arms。 Who cared？
I was about to get this stark raving mad lunatic of an international
caller off my back； and I was thrilled。
“Ahn…dre…ah？” It sounded like a question； but I was only
concentrating on trying to figure out a pattern for indiscriminate
name mix…ups。 At first I’d thought she did it deliberately in an
attempt to belittle and humiliate us even more； but then I figured
out that she was probably quite satisfied with the levels of
belittlement and humiliation we endured and so she did it only
because she couldn’t be bothered to keep straight details so inane
as her two assistants’ names。 Emily had confirmed this by saying
that she called her Emily about half the time but called her a
mixture of Andrea and Allison—the assistant before her—the other
half。 I felt better。
“Yes？” Squeaking again。 Dammit！ Wasn’t it possible for me to have
just a tiny bit of dignity with this woman？
“Ahn…dre…ah； I don’t know what all the fuss is over finding Mr。
Lagerfeld’s mobile number when I have it right here。 He gave it to
me just five minutes ago； but we were disconnected and I can’t seem
to dial correctly。” She said the last part as though the entire
world was to blame for this irritation and inconvenience except for
herself。
“Oh。 You； um； you have the number？ And you knew he was on that
number the whole time？” I was saying it for Emily’s benefit； and it
only served to enrage Miranda even more。
“Am I not making myself perfectly clear here？ I need you to connect
me to 03。55。23。56。67。89。 Immediately。 Or is that too difficult？”
Emily was slowly shaking her head in disbelief as she crumpled up
the number we’d both just fought so hard to get。
“No； no； Miranda； of course that’s not too difficult。 I’ll connect
you right away。 Hold just a minute。” I hit “conference；” dialed the
numbers； heard an older man shout “Allo！” into the phone； and hit
conference again。 “Mr。 Lagerfeld； Miranda Priestly； you’re
connected；” I stated like one of those manual operators from
theLittle House on the Prairie days。 And instead of putting the
whole call on mute and then hitting speaker so Emily and I could
listen in on the call together； I just hung up。 We sat in silence
for a few minutes as I tried to refrain from badmouthing Miranda
immediately。 Instead； I mopped some dampness from my forehead and
took long； deep breaths。 She spoke first。
“So； let me just get this straight。 She had his number the entire
time but just didn’t know how to dial it？”
“Or maybe she just didn’t feel like dialing it；” I added helpfully；
always enthusiastic for the chance to team up against Miranda；
especially considering how rare the opportunities were with Emily。
“I should’ve known；” she said； shaking her head like she was
horribly disappointed with herself。 “I really should’ve known that。
She always calls to have me connect her to people who are staying in
the next room； or who are in a hotel two streets over。 I remember I
thought that was the weirdest thing； calling from Paris to New York
to have someone connect you to someone in Paris。 Now it just seems
normal； of course； but I can’t believe I didn’t see that one
ing。”
I was about to run to the dining room for lunch； but the phone rang
again。 Operating under the lightning…doesn’t…strike…twice theory； I
decided to be a sport and answer the phone。
“Miranda Priestly’s office。”
“Emily！ I am standing in the pouring rain on the rue de Rivoli and
my driver has vanished。 Vanished！ Do you understand me？ Vanished！
Find him immediately！” She was hysterical； my very first time
hearing her that way； and I wouldn’t have been surprised to learn it
was the only time。
“Miranda； just a moment。 I have his number right here。” I turned to
scan my desk for the itinerary I’d set down a moment earlier； but
all I saw were papers； old Bulletins； stacks of back issues。 Only
three or four seconds had passed； but I felt as if I were standing
right next to her； watching as the rain poured down on her Fendi fur
and caused the makeup to melt down the side of her face。 Like she
could just reach out and slap my face； tell me I’m a worthless piece
of shit with zero talent； no skill set； a plete and total loser。
There wasn’t time to talk myself down； remind myself that this was
merely a human being （theoretically） who wasn’t happy to be standing
in the rain and was taking it out on her assistant 3；600 miles away。
It’s not my fault。 It’s not my fault。 It’s not my fault。
“Ahn…dre…ah！ My shoes areruined 。 Do you hear me？ Are you even
listening？ Find my drivernow！ ”
I was at risk of some inappropriate emotion—I could feel the knot in
the back of my throat； the tightening of the muscles in the back of
my neck； but it was too early to tell if I would laugh or cry。
Either one： not good。 Emily must have sensed as much； because she
leapt out of her seat and handed me her copy of the itinerary。 She’d
even highlighted the driver’s contact numbers； three in all； one for
the car phone； his mobile phone； and his Home phone。 Naturally。
“Miranda； I’m going to need to put you on hold while I call him。 Can
I put you on hold？” I didn’t wait for a response； which I knew would
drive her crazy； and threw the call on hold。 I dialed Paris again。
The good news was the driver picked up on the first ring of the
first number I tried。 The bad news was he didn’t speak English。
Although I’d never been self…destructive before； I couldn’t help but
smash my forehead firmly into the Formica。 Three times of this； and
Emily had picked up the line at her desk。 She’d resorted to
screaming； not so much in attempt to make the driver understand her
own bad French； but simply because she was trying to impress upon
him the urgency of the current situation。 New drivers always took a
little breaking in； mostly because they foolishly believed that if
Miranda had to wait forty…five seconds to a minute extra； she’d be
all right。 This was precisely the notion of which Emily and I were
to disabuse them。
We both put our heads down a few minutes later； after Emily had
managed to insult the driver enough that he’d hightailed it back to
where he’d left Miranda three or four minutes earlier。 I wasn’t
particularly hungry for lunch anymore； a phenomenon that made me
nervous。 WasRunway rubbing off？ Or was it just the adrenaline and
nerves mixing together to guarantee no appetite？ That was it！ The
starvation so endemic atRunway was not； in fact； self…induced； it
was merely the physiological response of bodies that were so
consistently terrified and all…around anxiety…ridden that they were
never actually hungry。 I vowed to look into this a little more and
perhaps explore the possibility that Miranda was smarter than all of
this and had deliberately created a persona so offensive on every
level that she literally scared people skinny。
“Ladies； ladies； ladies！ Pick those heads up off those desks！ Can
you imagine Miranda seeing you now？ She wouldn’t be very happy！”
James sang from the doorway。 He had slicked back his hair using some
greasy； waxy stuff called Bed Head （“Hot name—how can you resist？”）
and was wearing some sort of skintight football jersey with the
number 69 on both the front and the back。 As always； a picture of
subtlety and understatement。
Neither of us so much as glanced at him。 The clock said it was only
four； but it felt like midnight。
“OK then； let me guess。 Mama’s been calling off the hook because she
lost an earring somewhere between the Ritz and Alain Ducasse and she
wants you to find it； even though it’s in Paris and you’re in New
York。”
I snorted。 “You think that would put us in this condition？ That’s
ourjob 。 We do that every day。 Give us something difficult。”
Even Emily laughed。 “Seriously； James； not good enough。 I could find
an earring in under ten minutes in any city in the world；” she said；
all of a sudden inspired to join in for reasons I didn’t understand。
“It’d only be a challenge if she didn’t tell us what city she’d lost
it in。 But I bet even then we could do it。”
James was backing himself away from the office； a look of feigned
horror on his face。 “All right； then； ladies； you have a great day；
you hear？ At least she hasn’t fucked you both up for good。 I mean；
seriously； thank god for that； right？ You’re bothtooootally sane。
Yeah。 Um； have a great day 。 。 。”
“NOT SO FAST THERE； YOU PANSY！” shrieked someone very loud and very
high…pitched。 “I WANT YOU TO MARCH YOUR WAY BACK IN THERE AND TELL
THE GIRLS WHAT YOU WERE THINKING WHEN YOU PUT THAT SHMATA ON THIS
MORNING！” Nigel grabbed James by the left ear and dragged him into
the area between our desks。
“Oh； e on； Nigel；” James whined； pretending to be annoyed but
obviously delighted that Nigel was touching him。 “You know you love
this top！”
“LOVE THAT TOP？ YOU THINK I LOVE THAT FRATTY； GAY…JOCK LOOK YOU’VE
GOT GOING？ JAMES； YOU NEED TO RETHINK HERE； OK？ OK？”
“What’s wrong with a tight football jersey？ I think it looks hot。”
Emily and I nodded in quiet alliance with James。 It may not have
been exactly tasteful； but he did look incredibly hip。 And besides；
it was kind of tough to be taking fashion advice from a man who was；
at that precise moment； wearing zebra…print boot…cut jeans and a
black V…neck sweater with a keyhole cut out in the back to reveal
rippling back muscles。 The whole ensemble was topped off with a
floppy straw hat and a touch （subtle； I’ll give him that！） of kohl
eyeliner。
“BABY BOY； fashion IS NOT FOR advertising YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR
SHIRT。 UNH…UNH； NO IT’S NOT！ YOU WANNA SHOW A LITTLE SKIN？ THAT’S
HOT！ YOU WANNA SHOW SOME OF THOSE TIGHT； YOUNG CURVES OF
YOURS？THAT’S HOT。 CLOTHING IS NOT FOR TELLING THE WORLD WHAT
POSITION YOU PREFER； BOYFRIEND。 NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND？”
“But； Nigel！” A look of defeat was carefully constructed to disguise
how pleased he was to be the center of Nigel’s attention。
“DON’T ‘NIGEL’ ME； HONEY。 GO TALK TO JEFFY AND TEL