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ng。 I don't belong to the earth or sky。 They ought to carve an aerosol can on my tombstone。〃
〃Well said。〃
What did he mean； well said？ I vanted him to argue with me； raise my dying to a higher level； make me feel better。
〃Do you think it's unfair？〃 he said。
〃Of course I do。 Or is that a trite answer？〃
He seemed to shrug。
〃Look how I've lived。 Has my life been a mad dash for pleasure？ Have I been hellbent on self…destruction； using illegal drugs； driving fast cars； drinking to excess？ A little dry sherry at faculty parties。 I eat bland foods。〃
〃No； you don't。〃
He puffed seriously on his pipe； his cheeks going hollow。 We walked in silence for a while。
〃Do you think your death is premature？〃 he said。
〃Every death is premature。 There's no scientific reason why we can't live a hundred and fifty years。 Some people actually do it； according to a headline I saw at the supermarket。〃
〃Do you think it's a sense of inpleteness that causes you the deepest regret？ There are things you still hope to acplish。 Work to be done； intellectual challenges to be faced。〃
〃The deepest regret is death。 The only thing to face is death。 This is all I think about。 There's only one issue here。 I want to live。〃
〃From the Robert Wise film of the same name； with Susan Hayward as Barbara Graham； a convicted murderess。 Aggressive jazz score by Johnny Mandel。〃
I looked at him。
〃So you're saying； Jack； that death would be just as threatening even if you'd acplished all you'd ever hoped to acplish in your life and work。〃
〃Are you crazy？ Of course。 That's an elitist idea。 Would you ask a man who bags groceries if he fears death not because it is death but because there are still some interesting groceries he would like to bag？〃
〃Well said。〃
〃This is death。 I don't want it to tarry awhile so I can write a monograph。 I want it to go away for seventy or eighty years。〃
〃Your status as a doomed man lends your words a certain prestige and authority。 I like that。 As the time nears； I think you'll find that people will be eager to hear what you have to say。 They will seek you out。〃
〃Are you saying this is a wonderful opportunity for me to win friends？〃
〃I'm saying you can't let down the living by slipping into self…pity and despair。 People will depend on you to be brave。 What people look for in a dying friend is a stubborn kind of gravel…voiced nobility； a refusal to give in； with moments of indomitable humor。 You're growing in prestige even as we speak。 You're creating a hazy light about your own body。 I have to like it。〃
We walked down the middle of a steep and winding street。 There was no one around。 The houses here were old and looming； set above narrow stone stairways in partial disrepair。
〃Do you believe love is stronger than death？〃
〃Not in a million years。〃
〃Good；〃 he said。 〃Nothing is stronger than death。 Do you believe the only people who fear death are those who are afraid of life？〃
〃That's crazy。 pletely stupid。〃
〃Right。 We all fear death to some extent。 Those who claim otherwise are lying to themselves。 Shallow people。〃
〃People with their nicknames on their license plates。〃
〃Excellent； Jack。 Do you believe life without death is somehow inplete？〃
〃How could it be inplete？ Death is what makes it inplete。〃
〃Doesn't our knowledge of death make life more precious？〃
〃What good is a preciousness based on fear and anxiety？ It's an anxious quivering thing。〃
'True。 The most deeply precious things are those we feel secure about。 A wife； a child。 Does the specter of death make a child more precious？〃
〃No。〃
〃No。 There is no reason to believe life is more precious because it is fleeting。 Here is a statement。 A person has to be told he is going to die before he can begin to live life to the fullest。 True or false？〃
〃False。 Once your death is established； it bees impossible to live a satisfying life。〃
〃Would you prefer to know the exact date and time of your death？〃
〃Absolutely not。 It's bad enough to fear the unknown。 Faced with the unknown； we can pretend it isn't there。 Exact dates would drive many to suicide； if only to beat the system。〃
We crossed an old highway bridge； screened in； littered with sad and faded objects。 We followed a footpath along a creek； approached the edge of the high school playing field。 Women brought small children here to play in the long…jump pits。
〃How do I get around it？〃 I said。
〃You could put your faith in technology。 It got you here； it can get you out。 This is the whole point of technology。 It creates an appetite for immortality on the one hand。 It threatens universal extinction on the other。 Technology is lust removed from nature。〃
〃It is？〃
〃It's what we invented to conceal the terrible secret of our decaying bodies。 But it's also life； isn't it？ It prolongs life； it provides new organs for those that wear out。 New devices； new techniques every day。 Lasers； masers； ultrasound。 Give yourself up to it； Jack。 Believe in it。 They'll insert you in a gleaming tube； irradiate your body with the basic stuff of the universe。 Light； energy； dreams。 God's own goodness。〃
〃I don't think I want to see any doctors for a while； Murray； thanks。〃
〃In that case you can always get around death by concentrating on the life beyond。〃
〃How do I do that？〃
〃It's obvious。 Read up on reincarnation； transmigration； hyperspace； the resurrection of the dead and so on。 Some gorgeous systems have evolved from these beliefs。 Study them。〃
〃Do you believe in any of these things？〃
〃Millions of people have believed for thousands of years。 Throw in with them。 Belief in a second birth； a second life； is practically universal。 This must mean something。〃
〃But these gorgeous systems are all so different。〃
〃Pick one you like。〃
〃But you make it sound like a convenient fantasy； the worst kind of self…delusion。〃
Again he seemed to shrug。 'Think of the great poetry； the music and dance and ritual that spring forth from our aspiring to a life beyond death。 Maybe these things are justification enough for our hopes and dreams； although I wouldn't say that to a dying man。〃
He poked me with an elbow。 We walked toward the mercial part of town。 Murray paused； raised one foot behind him； reached back to knock some ashes from his pipe。 Then he pocketed the thing expertly； inserting it bowl…first in his corduroy jacket。
〃Seriously； you can find a great deal of long…range solace in the idea of an afterlife。〃
〃But don't I have to believe？ Don't I have to feel in my heart that there is something； genuinely； beyond this life； out there； looming； in the dark？〃
〃What do you think the afterlife is； a body of facts just waiting to be uncovered？ Do you think the U。S。 Air Force is secretly gathering data on the afterlife and keeping it under wraps because we're not mature enough to accept the findings？ The findings would cause panic？ No。 I'll tell you what the afterlife is。 It's a sweet and terribly touching idea。 You can take it or leave it。 In the meantime what you have to do is survive an assassination attempt。 That would be an instant tonic。 You would feel specially favored； you would grow in charisma。〃
〃You said earlier that death was making me grow in charisma。 Besides； who would want to kill me？〃
Once more he shrugged。 Survive a train wreck in which a hundred die。 Get thrown clear when your single…engine Cessna crashes on a golf course after striking a power line in heavy rain just minutes after takeoff。 It doesn't have to be assassination。 The point is you're standing at the edge of a smoldering ruin where others lie inert and twisted。 This can counteract the effect of any number of nebulous masses； at least for a time。〃
We window…shopped a while； then went into a shoe store。 Murray looked at Weejüns； Wallabees； Hush Puppies。 We wandered out into the sun。 Children in strollers squinted up at us； appearing to think we were something strange。
〃Has your German helped？〃
〃I can't say it has。〃
〃Has it ever helped？〃
〃I can't say。 I don't know。 Who knows these things？〃
〃What have you been trying to do all these years？〃
〃Put myself under a spell； I guess。〃
〃Correct。 Nothing to be ashamed of； Jack。 It's only your fear that makes you act this way。〃
〃Only my fear？ Only my death？〃
〃We shouldn't be surprised at your lack of success。 How powerful did the Germans prove to be？ They lost the war； after all。〃
〃That's what Denise said。〃
〃You've discussed this with the children？〃
〃Superficially。〃
〃Helpless and fearful people are drawn to magical figures； mythic figures； epic men who intimidate and darkly loom。〃
〃You're talking about Hitler； I take it。〃
〃Some people are larger than life。 Hitler is larger than death。 You thought he would protect you。 I understand pletely。〃
〃Do you？ Because I wish I did。〃
〃It's totally obvious。 You wanted to be helped and sheltered。 The overwhelming horror would leave no room for your own death。 'Submerge me；' you said。 'Absorb my fear。' On one level you wanted to conceal yourself in Hitler and his works。 On another level you wanted to use him to grow in significance and strength。
I sense a confusion of means。 Not that I'm criticizing。 It was a daring thing you did； a daring thrust。 To use him。 I can admire the attempt even as I see how totally dumb it was； although no dumber than wearing a charm or knocking wood。 Six hundred million Hindus stay home from work if the signs are not favorable that morning。 So I'm not singling you out。〃 'The vast and terrible depth。〃 〃Of course；〃 he said。 〃The inexhaustibility。〃 〃I understand。〃
'The whole huge nameless thing。〃 〃Yes； absolutely。〃 〃The massive darkness。〃 〃Certainly； certainly。〃 'The whole terrible endless hugeness。〃 〃I know exactly what you mean。〃
He tapped the fender of a diagonally parked car； half smiling。 〃Why have you failed； Jack？〃 〃A confusion of means。〃
〃Correct。 There are numerous ways to get around death。 You tried to employ two of them at once。 You stood out on the one hand and tried to hide on the other。 What is the name we give to this attempt？〃 〃Dumb。〃
I followed him into the supermarket。 Blasts of color； layers of oceanic sound。 We walked under a bright banner announcing a raffle to raise money for some incurable disease。 The wording seemed to indicate that the winner would get the disease。 Murray likened the banner to a Tibetan prayer flag。
〃Why have I had this fear so long； so consistently？〃 〃It's obvious。 You don't know how to repress。 We're all aware there's no escape from death。 How do we deal with this crushing knowledge？ We repress； we disguise； we bury； we exclude。 Some people do it better than others； that's all。〃 〃How can I improve？〃 〃You can't。 Some people just don't have the unconscious tools to perform the necessary disguising operations。〃
〃How do we know repression exists if the tools are unconscious and the thing we're repressing is so cleverly disguised？〃
〃Freud said so。 Speaking of looming figures。〃
He picked up a box of Handi…Wrap II； reading the display type； studying the colors。 He smelled a packet of dehydrated soup。 The data was strong today。
〃Do you think I'm somehow healthier because I don't know how to repress？ Is it possible that constant fear is the natural state of man and that by living close to my fear I am actually doing something heroic； Murray？〃
〃Do you feel heroic？〃
〃No。〃
'Then you probably aren't。〃
〃But isn't repression unnatural？〃
〃Fear is unnatural。 Lightning and thunder are unnatural。 Pain； death； reality； these are all unnatural。 We can't bear these things as they are。 We know too much。 So we resort to repression； promise and disguise。 This is how we survive in the universe。 This is the natural language of the species。〃
I looked at him carefully。
〃I exercise。 I take care of my body。〃
〃No； you don't；〃 he said。
He helped an old man read the date on a loaf of raisin bread。 Children sailed by in silver carts。
〃Tegrin； Denorex； Selsun Blue。〃
Murray wrote something in his little book。 I watched him step deftly around a dozen fallen eggs oozing yolky matter from a busted carton。
〃Why do I feel so good when I'm with Wilder？ It's not like being with the other kids；〃 I said。
〃You sense his total ego； his freedom from limits。〃
〃In what way is he free from limits？〃
〃He doesn't know he's going to die。 He doesn't know death at all。 You cherish this simpleton blessing of his； this exemption from harm。 You want to get close to him； touch him； look at him； breathe him in。 How lucky he is。 A cloud of unknowing； an omnipotent little person。 The child is everything； the adult nothing。 Think about it。 A person's entire life is the unraveling of this conflict。 No wonder we're bewildered； staggered； shattered。〃
〃Aren't you going too far？〃
〃I'm from New York。〃
〃We create beautiful and lasting things； build vast civilizations。〃
〃Gorgeous evasions；〃 he said。 〃Great escapes。〃
The doors parted photoelectronically。 We went outside； walking past the dry cleaner； the hairstylist； the optician。 Murray relighted his pipe； su