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tended periods。 You avoid the classic pattern of overdosage followed by underdosage。 You don't get a burst of medication followed by the merest trickle。 No upset stomach； queasiness； vomiting； muscle cramps； et cetera。 This system is efficient。〃
〃I'm impressed。 I'm even dazzled。 But what happens to the polymer tablet after the medication is pumped out of it？〃
〃It self…destructs。 It implodes minutely of its own massive gravitation。 We've entered the realm of physics。 Once the plastic membrane is reduced to microscopic particles； it passes harmlessly out of the body in the time…honored way。〃
〃Fantastic。 Now tell me what the medication is designed to do？ What is Dylar？ What are the chemical ponents？〃
〃I don't know；〃 she said。
〃Of course you know。 You're brilliant。 Everyone says so。〃
〃What else can they say？ I do neurochemistry。 No one knows what that is。〃
〃Other scientists have some idea。 They must。 And they say you're brilliant。〃
〃We're all brilliant。 Isn't that the understanding around here？ You call me brilliant； I call you brilliant。 It's a form of munal ego。〃
〃No one calls me brilliant。 They call me shrewd。 They say I latched on to something big。 I filled an opening no one knew existed。〃
〃There are openings for brilliance too。 It's my turn； that's all。 Besides； I'm built funny and walk funny。 If they couldn't call me brilliant； they would be forced to say cruel things about me。 How awful for everyone。〃
She clutched some files to her chest。
〃Jack； all I can tell you for certain is that the substance contained in Dylar is some kind of psychopharmaceutical。 It's probably designed to interact with a distant part of the human cortex。 Look around you。 Brains everywhere。 Sharks； whales； dolphins； great apes。 None of them remotely matches the human brain in plexity。 The human brain is not my field。 I have only a bare working knowledge of the human brain but it's enough to make me proud to be an American。 Your brain has a trillion neurons and every neuron has ten thousand little dendrites。 The system of intermunication is awe…inspiring。 It's like a galaxy that you can hold in your hand； only more plex； more mysterious。〃
〃Why does this make you proud to be an American？〃
〃The infant's brain develops in response to stimuli。 We still lead the world in stimuli。〃
I sipped my water。
〃I wish I knew more；〃 she said。 〃But the precise nature of the medication eludes me。 I can tell you one thing。 It is not on the market。〃
〃But I found it in an ordinary prescription vial。〃
〃I don't care where you found it。 I'm pretty sure I'd recognize the ingredients of a known brain…receptor drug。 This one is unknown。〃
She began to shoot quick looks toward the door。 Her eyes were bright and fearful。 I realized there were noises in the corridor。 Voices； shuffling feet。 I watched Winnie back toward a rear door。 I decided I wanted to see her blush one more time。 She put an arm behind her； unlatched the door； turned quickly and went running into the gray afternoon。 I tried to think of something funny to say。
26
Isat up in bed with my notes on German grammar。 Babette lay on her side staring into the clock…radio； listening to a call…in show。 I heard a woman say： 〃In 1977 I looked in the mirror and saw the person I was being。 I couldn't or wouldn't get out of bed。 Figures moved at the edge of my vision； like with scurrying steps。 I was getting phone calls from a Pershing missile base。 I needed to talk to others who shared these experiences。 I needed a support program； something to enroll in。〃
I leaned across my wife's body and turned off the radio。 She kept on staring。 I kissed her lightly on the head。
〃Murray says you have important hair。〃
She smiled in a pale and depleted way。 I put down my notes and eased her around slightly so that she looked straight up as I spoke。
〃It's time for a major dialogue。 You know it； I know it。 You'll tell me all about Dylar。 If not for my sake； then for your little girl's。 She's been worried—worried sick。 Besides； you have no more room to maneuver。 We've backed you against the wall。 Denise and I。 I found the concealed bottle； removed a tablet； had it analyzed by an expert。 Those little white disks are superbly engineered。 Laser technology； advanced plastics。 Dylar is almost as ingenious as the microorganisms that ate the billowing cloud。 Who would have believed in the existence of a little white pill that works as a pressure pump in the human body to provide medication safely and effectively； and self…destructs as well？ I am struck by the beauty of this。 We know something else； something crucially damaging to your case。 We know Dylar is not available to the general public。 This fact alone justifies our demands for an explanation。 There's really very little left for you to say。 Just tell us the nature of the drag。 As you well know； I don't have the temperament to hound people。 But Denise is a different kind of person。 I've been doing all I can to restrain her。 If you don't tell me what I want to know； I'll unleash your little girl。 She'll e at you with everything she has。 She won't waste time trying to make you feel guilty。 Denise believes in a frontal attack。 She'll hammer you right into the ground。 You know I'm right； Babette。〃
About five minutes passed。 She lay there； staring into the ceiling。
〃Just let me tell it in my own way；〃 she said in a small voice。
〃Would you like a liqueur？〃
〃No； thank you。〃
〃Take your time；〃 I said。 〃We've got all night。 If there's anything you want or need； just say so。 You have only to ask。 I'll be right here for as long as it takes。〃
Another moment passed。
〃I don't know exactly when it started。 Maybe a year and a half ago。 I thought I was going through a phase； some kind of watermark period in my life。〃
〃Landmark；〃 I said。 〃Or watershed。〃
〃A kind of settling…in…period； I thought。 Middle age。 Something like that。 The condition would go away and I'd forget all about it。 But it didn't go away。 I began to think it never would。〃
〃What condition？〃
〃Never mind that for now。〃
〃You've been depressed lately。 I've never seen you like this。 This is the whole point of Babette。 She's a joyous person。 She doesn't succumb to gloom or self…pity。〃
〃Let me tell it； Jack。〃
〃All right。〃
〃You know how I am。 I think everything is correctible。 Given the right attitude and the proper effort； a person can change a harmful condition by reducing it to its simplest parts。 You can make lists； invent categories； devise charts and graphs。 This is how I am able to teach my students how to stand； sit and walk； even though I know you think these subjects are too obvious and nebulous and generalized to be reduced to ponent parts。 I'm not a very ingenious person but I know how to break things down； how to separate and classify。 We can analyze posture； we can analyze eating； drinking and even breathing。 How else do you understand the world； is my way of looking at it。〃
〃I'm right here；〃 I said。 〃If there's anything you want or need； only say the word。〃
〃When I realized this condition was not about to go away； I set out to understand it better by reducing it to its parts。 First I had to find out if it had any parts。 I went to libraries and bookstores； read magazines and technical journals； watched cable TV； made lists and diagrams； made multicolored charts； made phone calls to technical writers and scientists； talked to a Sikh holy man in Iron City and even studied the occult； hiding the books in the attic so you and Denise wouldn't find them and wonder what was going on。〃
〃All this without my knowing。 The whole point of Babette is that she speaks to me； she reveals and confides。〃
〃This is not a story about your disappointment at my silence。 The theme of this story is my pain and my attempts to end it。〃
〃I'll make some hot chocolate。 Would you like that？〃
〃Stay。 This is a crucial part。 All this energy； this research； study and concealment； but I was getting nowhere。 The condition would not yield。 It hung over my life； gave me no rest。 Then one day I was reading to Mr。 Treadwell from the National Examiner。 An ad caught my eye。 Never mind exactly what it said。 Volunteers wanted for secret research。 This is all you have to know。〃
〃I thought it was my former wives who practiced guile。 Sweet deceivers。 Tense； breathy； high…cheekboned； bilingual。〃
〃I answered the ad and was interviewed by a small firm doing research in psychobiology。 Do you know what that is？〃
〃No。〃
〃Do you know how plex the human brain is？〃
〃I have some idea。〃
〃No； you don't。 Let's call the pany Gray Research； although that's not the true name。 Let's call my contact Mr。 Gray。 Mr。 Gray is a posite。 I was eventually in touch with three or four or more people at the firm。〃
〃One of those long low pale brick buildings with electrified fencing and low…profile shrubbery。〃
〃I never saw their headquarters。 Never mind why。 The point is I took test after test。 Emotional； psychological； motor response； brain activity。 Mr。 Gray said there were three finalists and I was one of them。〃
〃Finalists for what？〃
〃We were to be test subjects in the development of a super experimental and top secret drug； code…name Dylar； that he'd been working on for years。 He'd found a Dylar receptor in the human brain and was putting the finishing touches on the tablet itself。 But he also told me there were dangers in running tests on a human。 I could die。 I could live but my brain could die。 The left side of my brain cquld die but the right side could live。 This would mean that the left side of my body would live but the right side would die。 There were many grim specters。 I could walk sideways but not forward。 I could not distinguish words from things； so that if someone said 'speeding bullet；' I would fall to the floor and take cover。 Mr。 Gray wanted me to know the risks。 There were releases and other documents for me to sign。 The firm had lawyers； priests。〃
〃They let you go ahead； a human test animal。〃
〃No； they didn't。 They said it was way too risky—legally； ethically and so forth。 They went to work designing puter molecules and puter brains。 I refused to accept this。 I'd e so far； e so close。 I want you to try to understand what happened next。 If I'm going to tell you the story at all； I have to include this aspect of it； this grubby little corner of the human heart。 You say Babette reveals and confides。〃
〃This is the point of Babette。〃
〃Good。 I will reveal and confide。 Mr。 Gray and I made a private arrangement。 Forget the priests； the lawyers； the psychobiologists。 We would conduct the experiments on our own。 I would be cured of my condition； he would be acclaimed for a wonderful medical breakthrough。〃
〃What's so grubby about this？〃
〃It involved an indiscretion。 This was the only way I could get Mr。 Gray to let me use the drug。 It was my last resort； my last hope。 First I'd offered him my mind。 Now I offered my body。〃
I felt a sensation of warmth creeping up my back and radiating outward across my shoulders。 Babette looked straight up。 I was propped on an elbow； facing her； studying her features。 When I spoke finally it was in a reasonable and inquiring voice—the voice of a man who seeks genuinely to understand some timeless human riddle。
〃How do you offer your body to a posite of three or more people？ This is a pound person。 He is like a police sketch of one person's eyebrows； another person's nose。 Let's concentrate on the genitals。 How many sets are we talking about？〃
〃Just one person's； Jack。 A key person； the project manager。〃
〃So we are no longer referring to the Mr。 Gray who is a posite。〃
〃He is now one person。 We went to a grubby little motel room。 Never mind where or when。 It had the TV up near the ceiling。 This is all I remember。 Grubby； tacky。 I was heartsick。 But so； so desperate。〃
〃You call this an indiscretion； as if we haven't had a revolution in frank and bold language。 Call it what it was； describe it honestly； give it the credit it deserves。 You entered a motel room； excited by its impersonality； the functionalism and bad taste of the furnishings。 You walked barefoot on the f？re…retardant carpet。 Mr。 Gray went around opening doors； looking for a full…length mirror。 He watched you undress。 You lay on the bed； embracing。 Then he entered you。〃
〃Don't use that term。 You know how I feel about that usage。〃
〃He effected what is called entry。 In other words he inserted himself。 One minute he was fully dressed； putting the car rental keys on the dresser。 The next minute he was inside you。〃
〃No one was inside anyone。 That is stupid usage。 I did what I had to do。 I was remote。 I was operating outside myself。 It was a capitalist transaction。 You cherish the wife who tells you everything。 1 am doing my best to be that person。
〃All right； I'm only trying to understand。 How many times did you go to this motel？〃
〃More or less on a continuing basis for some months。 That was the agreement。〃
I felt heat rising along the back of my neck。 I watched her carefully。 A sadness showed in her eyes。 I lay back and looked at the ceiling。 The radio came on。 She began to cry softly。